Soon after the MSDS incident, there was an expansion in my area. A new department was formed with a new manager, and in keeping with the Nazi's policy of moving me around as much as possible, I was transferred to the new area. I think Pat was glad to get rid of me and the problems that went along with me. My new assignment meant little to me other than I would have a new manager. I was still very depressed, but I still foolishly hoped that I could save my future.
As part of my way to cope with all of the stress I was being subjected to, I began drinking heavily again. almost every evening I would come home and pour myself a couple of glasses of wine. By about seven P.M., I was totally drunk and all of the anger would come out. I would yell, swear and carry on until I was in such a fit of rage that I would smash a glass in the fireplace. On one occasion when Anita tried to argue with me, I became so enraged that I threw a glass through a picture window. That glass throwing incident cost me one hundred and fifty dollars for the repair. As time went on, I was getting drunk on the average about three of the five week day working nights.
The rants I would go on when I got drunk was always about how STUPID and SICK my tormentors had to be to set me up as a witness and then try to drive me insane or kill me by accident or suicide to cover up their stupidity and evilness. I just couldn't believe that the amerikan system was so corrupt as to support such evil. Of course, now days given the political and world events, such thoughts about not believing the evil of the amerikan system seems naive. But remember, this was 1980 and not present day. Most of the unrest that exists today is because most amerikans are losing their naivity about what they believe about amerika. And I laugh because I have spent the last 30 years trying to warn amerikans and they wouldn't listen. Now amerikans will learn the hard way.
Just when my drinking was becoming a real problem, the RAM medical department called me for the first time in almost eight months for a psychiatric follow up. This time I saw Dr. Cryer, who said I was doing fine, but he expressed concern about my excessive drinking. He just happened to inquire about by drinking habits during this particular interview. I told him I had not been a drinker in the past and that I could stop if I wanted to. He seemed to doubt that I could or would, but I assured him that I would stop.
The problem was that whenever I didn't express my anger I became depressed and when I stopped drinking and getting angry, I became very depressed. I was still seeing Dr. Iron every other week, and when I told him I had stopped drinking entirely he was amazed.
"Do you mean you have enough will power to just stop drinking?" he asked increduously.
"Sure, I have a lot of will power and drinking is something I have control over. I can't control my environment or the actions of the people around me. That's why I can't get better." I replied.
Dr. Iron didn't like my comment, but he was still surprised that I could stop consuming alcohol so abruptly after I had been drinking so much.
"Of course, now that I'm not drinking, I'm becoming more depressed. Can I have some antidepressants?"
Dr. Iron didn't hesitate. "No, you don't need them."
I believed Dr. Iron's refusal to give antidepressants was part of the plan to get me truly depressed and possibly suicidal again. There seemed to be no rational reason way someone as depressed as I was should not have been given antidepressants.
In retrospect, Dr. Iron's whole reaction and treatment of me reflects the really malevolent nature of Dr. Iron. He had fled the original German Nazis and now he seemed like he was determined to bring harm to other people to help the amerikan Nazis. I'll never know what his true motivation was but I don't believe it as a positive motivator. I guess he believed it was better to be the persecutor rather than be the person being persecuted.
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