More about which to get depressed.

I began to notice that everyone around me seemed to be getting smarter! This was most noticeable when I talked with Pat Clover, my former manager. I had always considered Pat to be rather slow and he did not have great verbal fluency. However, now when I talked with Pat, I was amazed at how alert and mentally sharp he seemed. It was like he was a new person. I found this true of other people too. What I didn't realize was that my own mental capacity was greatly diminished from all of the psychological and mental torture to which I had been subjected for so many years. This decrease in mental capability is common in cases of menticide(mental torture). At the time however, I interpretted this decrease in my own mental capacity as an increase in the mental capacity of the people around me. I found it depressing that I was intellectually inferior.

As I stated, loss of intellectual functioning is quit common in cases of mental torture and some studies have reported around a 50% decrease in other victims. In my case, the extreme loss of mental capacity was documented by my therapists. In February 1983, after I had left the RAM environment, I was given a simple psychiatric evaluation. During that particular evaluation, I could not repeat in sequence 5 single digits that had been read to me. I had been give the same test in the fall of 1978, shortly after joining RAM. At that time I was able to repeat 11 digits FORWARD AND BACKWARDS after the digits had been read to me. I may have been able to do more, but the tester stoppedf at 11 digits when he decided there was nothing wrong with my intellect. The average person can repeat 7 digits FORWARD (a telephone number) and 5 digits backwards. The test results of going from 11 digits backwards to not being able to do 5 digits forward clearly demonstrate how brutally I had been tortured. That is why I say "God damn amerika". Fortunately, one's mental capacity slowly returns at least to some degree when the victims is free from constant brutal torture.

Just when things seemed their worst, improvements in my environment occurred. First I was given a performance appraisal. I went into the meeting with great apprehension because I knew I had not done any significant work in the past six months. Whatever performance rating I received, I knew it would be what "they" wanted it to be. Laurie Bushell, one of my many former managers, gave me the performance review and to my surprise, she gave me a rating which stated I "consistenly exceeded the requirements of the job in all key areas." Even though the rating was phoney, I was thrilled. Not only did the rating mean I would not be fired, but the rating also had to be approved by my current manager Jim Connors, since he was Laurie's second level manager too. Thus according to the rules at RAM, I was safe for another year. Although I knew I was never truly safe, it meant that "they" were not ready to get rid of me yet.