WE DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK AROUND HERE!

NOTE: Shortly after I failed to kill myself I called Chow Ming, a relatively new employee into my office. I went into a detailed step by step process of what I had done in my effort to kill myself. Then I asked Chow what he thought the result would be. He immediately blurtedf out "Well the person would be dead!"

"Well, I'm not!" I responded. Chow stood there stunned for a moment and then he darted out door.

A few minutes later I got a call from my manager telling me he wanted to talk to me.
I immediately went to his office where I was told he had just talked to Chow. He then gave me a short lecture which ended with the words I will never forget, because it is the motto the american Nazi rulers.
"WE DO NOT WANT PEOPLE TO THINK AROUND HERE." In other words just do what you're told no matter what, kill for the Nazi empire and then go back to making the corporation money. And if you don't think those words are the motto of this Nazi empire just look at the recent elections!

In early November, I did a totally irrational act. I purchased a new car. I had avoided buying a new car for over five years because of my precarious position, and now suddenly for no real reason I went out and purchased an expensive new automobile. I secured a loan in my name so that I would be responsible for the payments when our divorce became final. Suddenly, in one irrational moment, I had created more problems for myself.

Shortly thereafter, more changes at work occurred which affected me. First Pat Clover told me he had changed his mind completely and that he was hiring a new person to do the work he had discussed with me. Since my help was no longer needed, there was no reason for me to take a trip to San Jose. Thus in a period of three months I had gone from directing and coordinating a major project to having nothing to do with the work.

The management position under Jim was still vacant and the suggestions(a key element of mental torture) that I was being considered kept flowing in. I received an unsolicited book in the mail on management practice and theory and Anita bought me a book on the Japanese practice of management. The mere thought and/or implication that I was being considered for a managment position made me so angry I burned both books. It was a totally irrational act, but then I had existed in an irrational world for over five years in an effort to get me act irrationally. Finally, in mid December Jim announced that Chow Ming, a "Deep UV" task force member and a Ram employee for less than a year, would become the new manager of the "Deep UV" area. I was so angered by the announcement that I got up and stormed out of the meeting.

In 1981 I made it to the Christmas holidays without ending up in the hospital. Anita and I did not buy each other gifts because we had made plans to make a trip to St. Martens in February as one last fling before we got divorced. The trip was another irrational act, but I had reached the point where I just didn't care anymore. I was suffering from severe depression and I hurt deep down inside. I kept wondering why a God would keep me alive to suffer so much. And I still don't have a good answer other than I got the opportunity to watch this country and the people in it slide down a slow slope towards distruction.