More about which to get depressed.

I began to notice that everyone around me seemed to be getting smarter! This was most noticeable when I talked with Pat Clover, my former manager. I had always considered Pat to be rather slow and he did not have great verbal fluency. However, now when I talked with Pat, I was amazed at how alert and mentally sharp he seemed. It was like he was a new person. I found this true of other people too. What I didn't realize was that my own mental capacity was greatly diminished from all of the psychological and mental torture to which I had been subjected for so many years. This decrease in mental capability is common in cases of menticide(mental torture). At the time however, I interpretted this decrease in my own mental capacity as an increase in the mental capacity of the people around me. I found it depressing that I was intellectually inferior.

As I stated, loss of intellectual functioning is quit common in cases of mental torture and some studies have reported around a 50% decrease in other victims. In my case, the extreme loss of mental capacity was documented by my therapists. In February 1983, after I had left the RAM environment, I was given a simple psychiatric evaluation. During that particular evaluation, I could not repeat in sequence 5 single digits that had been read to me. I had been give the same test in the fall of 1978, shortly after joining RAM. At that time I was able to repeat 11 digits FORWARD AND BACKWARDS after the digits had been read to me. I may have been able to do more, but the tester stoppedf at 11 digits when he decided there was nothing wrong with my intellect. The average person can repeat 7 digits FORWARD (a telephone number) and 5 digits backwards. The test results of going from 11 digits backwards to not being able to do 5 digits forward clearly demonstrate how brutally I had been tortured. That is why I say "God damn amerika". Fortunately, one's mental capacity slowly returns at least to some degree when the victims is free from constant brutal torture.

Just when things seemed their worst, improvements in my environment occurred. First I was given a performance appraisal. I went into the meeting with great apprehension because I knew I had not done any significant work in the past six months. Whatever performance rating I received, I knew it would be what "they" wanted it to be. Laurie Bushell, one of my many former managers, gave me the performance review and to my surprise, she gave me a rating which stated I "consistenly exceeded the requirements of the job in all key areas." Even though the rating was phoney, I was thrilled. Not only did the rating mean I would not be fired, but the rating also had to be approved by my current manager Jim Connors, since he was Laurie's second level manager too. Thus according to the rules at RAM, I was safe for another year. Although I knew I was never truly safe, it meant that "they" were not ready to get rid of me yet.

More Nazi Terrorism.

There were more department changes at work, and Jim Connors was officially announced as a second level manager. At the same time, Jim was also made the acting first level manager of a newly created department. Since Jim was serving as both first and second level manager, it meant that he would be seeking a new manager to take over his first level duties. Just the thought of a management opening caused me to become depressed because I knew their would be more suggestions and implied promises that would be made to me about the new manager of the department. I knew I couldn't go through that scenario again. The only thing that kept me going was the hope that "they", the sick bastards that they are, would get tired of mentally torturing me and my life would return to a normal state.

I was extremely depressed and becoming suicidal again. The harassment was daily and there was at least one episode per day. I had no social life and no contact with anyone outside of work other than Anita. In fact, I was totally surprised one day when one of my co-workers, John came into my office and hand delivered a notice for a professional meeting to be held the following week.

"I haven't been getting these notices lately," I commented.

"Well, this should be a pretty good meeting. The speaker is excellent." John replied.

"I thought you usually mailed these notices. What happened? Did you run out of stamps?"

"No, we just got the notice printed too late to mail them so I'm hand deliverying them," John answered.

I didn't think much more about it and went back to work. Later that day before I left the office, I went to check my mail. There in my mailbox was the same meeting notice with a cancelled stamp. The notices had been mailed as usual. I was just another one of those inconsistncies that were common in my life. Such incidences created further depression and made it impossible for me to believe even the most trivial things people said to me. And of course, relating such an event would make me look paranoid.

I had been harassed so long by annoying phone calls that I was now afraid to answer the phone. Most of the time I would just let the phone ring. But now I noticed a new phenomenon. Whenever I picked up the phone to make a call, the dial tone caused me to have a severe reaction. The buzzing sound caused me to become fearful and my adrenalin would begin to flow. After years of answering the phone and only hearing a dial tone, I was conditioned and sensitized to the point that the mere sound of the dial tone caused a reaction.

That evening, I conveyed my new awarness of my reaction to the dial tone to my wife. As usual, she said nothing. However, the next day at work the phone rang and I decided to answer it. This time there was no one on the other end of the line, but instead of the usual dial tone, there was complete silence. From then on, whenever I did answer the phone and the party hung up, instead of a dial tone, there was silence. Again there was the implied participation of my wife, but there was nothing that I could prove. In addition, in my highly confused state, I tried to think of some reason for the change. I was too mentally screwed up to just accept it as continued harassment and terrorism.

Another Day, Another Crisis

"What's going on?" I asked.

"Never mind. Just stop whatever you're doing and come with us."

I followed them to the medical department. After a short wait, I saw the company doctor.

"We got a call from a Gamma Supplies employee. Apparently you sent him some sort of note, and he thought you were suicidal so he called us." He explained.

"So that is what this is all about," I said somewhat relieved.

The doctor continued. "We called your wife(always beneficial to involve the wife) and she made an appointment to see Dr. Padua immediately. You are to go to the St. Frances Hospital and see Dr. Padua right away."

With that brief explanation, I was escorted to the door. As I drove to St. Francis, I kept thinking about how I was going to be confined to the hospital again. Suicidal tendencies is grounds for involuntary confinement. My fears were not realized, but Dr. Padua argued strongly for voluntary confinement so she could "treat" me. I refused to go in voluntarily and she finally relented. As I was leaving her office she asked, "Why did you send the letter?"

"Maybe I was trying to raise the level of some people's conscience. Not everyone is a psychopath, you know."

Dr. Padua just gave me a dirty look. I had survived another crisis.

NOTE: One of the common questions asked me is why would ordinary people do these things to you? My wife is a good example of, "why would she do it?" The answer can be found in the famous studies of Dr. Stanley Millgram titled "Obedience to Authority." Dr. Millgram and others showed that people will do whatever they are told to do as long as someone who is recognized as an authority figure gives the command. The common reaction to that statement is "I wouldn't do that." But the truth is you would, especially if your family, kids, career and other things you value can be destroyed by the authority figure. For real life examples of this you can read about the previous Nazi empire in "Hitler's Willing Executioners: Ordinary Germans and the Holocaust" - by Daniel Jonah Goldhagen. This shows the evil that lurks in all of us and it demonstrates how political movements and agendas, such as the current right-wing nationalistic movement in the U.S. can bring the evil to the surface. I just read today where some church wants to hold a book burning event and burn the Koran(Quran). While these people may be a minority, they still are potentially Hilter's willing executioners

As my marriage drifts to a close.

By June 1981, I had already sensed another increase in incidences in involving my wife and actions seemed to be directed towards creating animosity between us. I felt there were times when Ursula would start fights or do something just to irritate me and get my emotions flowing. I decided to take Anita with me to the next doctors appointment and address the problem with Dr. Padua. I stated my case and then discussed the issues with Anita. Anita agreed to try not to irritate me so often. I sat there almost laughing at the whole procedure. I believed Anita's actions were deliberate and that she would do whatever "they" told her to do, but to make any suggestion like that would only provide a platform for the doctor to tell how paranoid I was. The following week Anita seemed to do more irritating things than usual as if to flaunt the whole uselessness of going to the psychiatrist to solve my problems. The dissolution of our marriage seemed inevitable.

I lived in a constant state of depression. I was unable to work and I could have been fired for poor job performance at any time. What I didn't realize was that the Nazis wanted me to resign like I did at Gamma Supplies. That would make it clean and simple; it would be my fault. It also appeared that another reason not to fire me was that the Nazis would lose total control of my environment. I was really nothing more that a paid prisoner. And every time I began to pull myself out of the deep depression, some action would be taken that had a crushing effect on me.

Finally, in late June 19881 I decided to strike back again. This time I wanted to do something that would effect other people. I drafted a short letter describing my ordeal since my departure from Gamma Supplies. I then stated that I had no future and would probably be dead in the near future. I then thanked the addressee for his or her participation in the destruction of my life. I found an old mailing list of Gamma Supplies' employees and sent a copy of the letter to everyone on the list. Since the Gamma Supplies' employees had started the destruction of my life for their benefit, I wanted to make sure they knew the final results. But the real motivation came in knowing that "they" didn't want anyone to know anymore about their nefarious, sick deeds than was necessary and updating the Gamma Supplies' employees on my status was sure to irritate them.
I mailed the letters immediately to prevent Anita from finding out about them.

I mean let's face it; if you were as sick and twisted as "they" are, would you want other people to know it? I mean a serial killer doesn't go around broadcasting that he is a serial killer. And as I will demonstrate in a later post, my torturers have the same mentality as serial killers.

Several days later I was in the laboratory when Laura Bushell my new second level manager, Tim Kristofferson walked in.

"We have an emergency in the medical department and we have to go over there right away." Time said.

Note: If you read and learn about mental torture and terrorism, you will learn that the evil doers always try to separate the victim from the torturers as quickly as possible. It is an "out of sight, out of mind" practice. In this case the terrorists at Gamma Supplies could enjoy the fruits of their demented acts without actually seeing what had happened to the victims. It the same idea as pilots and bombers who bomb hospitals and villages with children. They don't see the victims and therefore their is no remorse or internal moral conflict. That is why the psychotic Nazi torturers always moved me about and removed me from areas where the acts had been committed. Sane people would wonder why a human mind would think that way and act that way against innocent, defenseless victims. But in their psychopathic minds, "they" always have a good reason for their actions.

A natural loss in my life vs a Nazi government created loss.

With everything going so badly, it only seemed appropriate that Nuisance became very sick. Whenever I would get down or needed some solitude, I would take Nuisance for a walk. It always had a soothing effect on me, but in March, 1981 she became sick from what the vetrinarian diagnosed as cancer of the liver. Her health deteriorated rapidly and on April 8 she had to be destroyed. We had owned Nuisance for fourteen years and her death was a great loss. In a normal situation I would have been sad, but my built up anger made it impossible for me to grieve the loss of our pet. What made me even more angry was that I was being tortured so much that I couldn't really feel the loss of something that meant so much to me. In effect, I had become a bit like my torturers in that I couldn't feel things. As I will show later on, my tormentors tried to get me to do despicable acts(sometimes with success), just to convince themselves that all humans are subhuman scum like they are. I think it made them feel good to make their victims act in a base manner like them.
Of course, no one was brutally torturing them; a point that I'm sure escaped them.

The constant harassment and torture had so dominated my life that nothing else seemed important. But with the loss of Nuisance I lost one of the few comforting things in my life that I was still able to enjoy.

I continued to see Dr. Padua, but I was becoming more and more disenchanted with her. Like her predecessors she talked in generalities and whenever I tried to address a specific incident or issue she would sidmiss it as if the topic were trivial. We frequently discussed my wife and Dr. Padua would quickly point out that I should be happy because Anita would soon be going back to work at a higher salary.

"They will never allow me to share in her income. I can't look forward to that," I explained. I don't even know if I'll have a marriage six months from now."

"Why you have lots to look forward to," was her reply.

I knew "they" would not allow me the luxury of having economic relief in the form of two good incomes, and I assumed their solution would be to destroy the marriage to keep me from having the security of my wife's income. But any attempt to carry our a discussion like that would have brought an immediate, "There is no one trying to destroy you."

I just heard on TV tonight that China has a new weapon that can wipe out an amerikan aircraft carrier from long range. I guess there is "good news" if you look for it. Such a weapon if it exists would cancel amerika's domination and terror on the high seas. However, this was on FOX news so it may just be Nazi propaganda designed to keep amerikans in a state of fear and war mongering.

Most amerikans don't realize that the Nazi state uses the media for what they call "misinformation campaigns". That term is a euphemism for PROPAGANDA. In rare cases, the President(RR for one) has had to admit that threats by foreign entities that were propagaded by the media were nothing more than misinformation campaigns.

Still some want the world to bow to them!

"For what is a man profited if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul?"
Matthew 16:25-26.

The ruling Nazis may go to church and align themselves with Christianity, but there is no way these people are true Christians.

On January 5, 1981 I returned to work. The RAM medical department approved the plan Dr. Padua submitted which called for my working four hours a day for one week followed by a week at six hours a day before I returned to a normal work day. It really didn't matter. After 5 years of brutal mental torture, I would have needed a year of rest to regain my mental and physical health. I was mentally in very bad shape and my only concern on returning to work was that there would be no more harassment. My mental state was very so delicate that I felt any more torture would cause a complete collapse, breakdown or suicide. I came into work and hung my coat and hat on the wall hanger and then went into the laboratory to check the condition of my lab equipment. About an hour later I returned to my office to find my coat on the floor. My hat was still on the wall hook and since the hanger was a single hook, it was impossible for the coat to fall off the hook with the hat hanging over it. I started to tremble and cry. I put on my coat and hat and rushed out of the building to my car and drove home. When I got home, Anita was there and I tried to tell her what had happened, but I was so upset that I wasn't very coherent. Finally, when I was able to get my composure, I told her what had happened. At first she tried to rationalize the incident as an accident, but she quickly realized how absurd her arguments were and then she tried to comfort me. I remained home the rest of the day.

The next day I went into work with greater apprehension. As I walked into the office, there standing in the middle of the room blocking everything was a free-standing coat rack. I quickly took the coat rack and carried it to an adjacent office where I deposited it. I then went back to my desk to try to do some work, but that one incident had ruined my day.

For the next couple of months I remained very depressed and did very little work. The side effects of the medication I was taking were becoming intolerable. One day at work I experienced a minor convulsion similar to the one I had experienced in the hospital. At that point I decided to stop taking the Stelazine medication. The fact that I was on Stelazine the first time when I was terrorized into attempting suicide told me that the medication was useless as long as the external stimuli was there.

The antidepressant I was taking was causing blurry vision and severe constipation. Thus I also quit taking that medication. I believed if the terrorism/mental torture ever stopped and I could find a doctor who really wanted to help me, I would take the appropriate medication.