More frustration

I decided the best way to keep my sanity was to bury myself in my work in mid-1980 I began directing all my efforts towards my research. Within a month the results were noticeable. I could tell by the length and quality of my monthy report that I had accomplished quit a bit. I felt good about my work and there seemed to be little that "they" could do to effect my research.

Then, a couple of days after I had handed in the lenghty report, a safety violation was found in my general working area and the laboratory was closed! The violation was trivial and could have easily been cleaned up. At first it was suppose to be for a few days, but when no progress was made after a week, I became suspicious. Interestingly, the only area of the laboratory to be shut down was the exact area that I worked in. I complained to management and wrote memos, but I was not given any new area to work. For a month I sat at my desk and did very little while the laboratory was closed. As I sat there doing nothing, I became more depressed and couldn't help but think that "they" had decided I was being too productive and that my work had to be stopped. A month later my section of the laboratory was reopened. The only real change that had occurred was in my diminished enthusiasm for my work.

Killing my enthusiasm for my work was a crushing blow and it made me angry. For the first time in a long while, I felt like fighting back. I knew the one thing the Nazis feared more than anything was the truth, and I was the only one who could and would tell the truth. Since I was concerned that as the years went by, and my mental health continued to deteriorate that I would be unable to recall what had happened I decided to keep another diary and document the happenings. I knew the diary could alway be stolen like the last one, but I believed that to steal the diary containing events occurring at RAM would be too strong of an implication of RAM's involvement. I would however, make an effort to protect the diary. I also wanted to my thoughts down in order to have some record of how I perceived events and how my emotions changed and were manipulated by by environment. Since I didn't want my beliefs and thoughts to be used to manipulate me even more than I was already being manipulated, I wanted to try to keep the diary in a secure place. With that in mind, I began to keep my second diary in late June, 1980.